From Grief to Life

Even in the midst of grief, God can bring us comfort

Nine years ago I spent a year filled with unimaginable grief. Prayer is what got me through that terrible time. Every morning felt heavy and grey.  But one day as I was sitting in my prayer garden wrapped in sad memories, I saw a little splotch of yellow sort of hidden behind my fig tree just peeking out at me.  A sunny golden flower was blooming.  A bit of brightness to surprise me.

It’s important to know that I am a terrible gardener.  Which is why I mostly grow only succulents. Things that don’t need water or attention. So back when I was unpacking and putting away things from my daughter’s effects, I came across some old packets of wildflower seeds.  I felt I should plant them but since I had a bad back, I couldn’t dig up new flower beds, so I just sprinkled the seeds here and there and pressed them into the existing beds.  Other than a sprinkling of water, that was the extent of my effort. My attitude about plants is that if they grow - great and if not -- oh well. 

But a tiny yellow flower showed up that grey winter morning as I was sitting in prayer thinking about my daughter and how much I missed her. At that time, it had been two years since she died. And sometimes I could imagine her sitting nearby on the grass. She is always in a bright turquoise shirt and white shorts. Healthy, beautiful, and vibrant.  Seeing the flower in the quiet of that morning, I felt her say to me, “It's ok to move on, Mom. To be alive again. You have so much to do. Tell everyone about how beautiful heaven is.”

She gave me permission to move past my grief. I will never be able to do that completely.  But I finally felt she was happy and safe in Heaven and it was time to focus again on life and what God had planned for me. One yellow flower. Its cheery color seemed like a bright beacon of life. As I looked around the yard, it was as if all the colors had become more saturated. Purer. Stronger.  I knew something had shifted. I felt the grayness lift.  I felt a peace and a joy. The kind that only a loving, and kind God can give. I felt alive again There are still times when it is incomprehensible to me that she is gone. But life keeps going even on days when the world seems grey again.

In the Lord’s prayer, we ask for God’s kingdom to come here on earth as it is in Heaven.  We know that Heaven is a beautiful place that is without pain and sorrow. We know that in Heaven we will experience Love with a capital “L”. Love as we have never experienced here on earth. Heaven is God’s kingdom and we are to pray for it to come to us here on earth. I don’t think we are to pray for that to happen someday when we die. We are to pray for it to be here, now. Imagine what it would be like to experience God’s love now. Today. To be free of sorrow and pain. To experience His creation, the beauty around us.

Every time I see a yellow flower it reminds me that God wants us to experience His love today. He wants us to feel the life He has for us. The joy and peace He has for us. We can come alive again by turning our faces away from the darkness and back toward Him. Even on the greyest day, a flower beckons us to come back to life.